"That's what SHE said" is so 2009

Actually, since "The Office" is in its 5th or 6th season, "that's what she said" is probably more 2004 than 2009, but nevertheless, it is still quite a popular catchphrase in my office. Because work, after all, isn't really about dilligence, accuracy or productivity--it's about amusing oneself and one's co-workers as many times as possible within a (hellaciously long) 8 hour time span.

That being said, there is a new catchphrase in town.

A little over 2 weeks ago, my co-workers and I were coming back from lunch, when one of them asked my boss's assistant (let's call my boss Caleb--BTW, how's that "Fake Name Generator" working for ya?) the following question: "What is the most outrageous thing that you've ever heard Caleb say?"

Just to back up a bit and give you some context, my boss has one of the filthiest mouths that I have ever heard on a human being. Now, I say this fully admitting that I have a foul mouth. My mouth has been genetically hard wired for profanity. My grandmother, an ex-Navy nurse, WILL drop the "F" bomb--and not occasionally--habitually. I think the first time I heard her say "bullshit" I splurted milk out my nose. Of course, her colorful choice of words no longer phases me. My mother, weirdly proud of her foul-mouthed heritage, continued along in that tradition. So naturally, I'm desensitized from not only the cursing that takes place around me, but also from the abhorrent words that drop freely from my mouth. (In an attempt to curb my cursing, I started replacing "f&*k" with "balls," which I thought went well until I saw the look of horror and disgust on one of my friend's faces as he asked, "Did you just say 'balls'? Like big, hairy balls?" Now, I can't stop saying "balls.") I'll just sum this up by saying that there isn't much that shocks or offends me in the realm of "dirty" words.

That being said, my boss's assistant responded to the question by telling us how when one of Caleb's old clients simply wasn't paying his bill, she mentioned it to him and after a few minutes of frustrating exchanges, he burst out, "He'd damn well better pay or I'm going to jump on his face and s#!t down his throat!"

While you are pausing to consider the weight of that statement, I have to tell you that we (who heard it first) were busy laughing our asses off. In the weeks since I first heard that life changing sentence, I've taken a very rough straw poll and found that most people place this type of comment in 1 of 2 boxes. Either you find it HILARIOUS or you find it DISGUSTING. (Personally, I find it hilarious because it's disgusting, but I like to think out of the box.)

As you can probably imagine given our collective response, "I'm going to jump on his/her face and s#!t down his/her throat" immediately became the new office catchphrase. We also spent a serious amount of time debating a) the most effective and meaningful way to use this phrase in our boss's presence, b) how soon to do it and c) if he would even recognize that he was the person who had contributed to (what was sure to add up to) hours of delight at work.

Cut to almost 3 weeks later, when my co-worker Ruben became my personal hero by using the new catchphrase in our weekly meeting, in front of my boss, with a straight face. I have no idea how he was able to gather the strength and presence of mind to pull this off, but he should be rewarded profusely and honored by all office workers, everywhere.

And the exchange went something like this:
CO-WORKER #1: I'm so frustrated with these people! I don't know what to do! I'm tired of dealing with these assholes. They have no idea of Customer Service.
RUBEN: You need to just jump on their faces and s&*t down their throats.
(Everyone in the meeting erupts in laughter while my boss sits there, unaware of what has just happened and processes the situation rather than the individual comments of his employees.)
DUCHESS PETTIGREW (through tears of laughter): Ruben, you're my hero.
(The boss gets up and exits, muttering--we think--the catchphrase to himself.)

Best. Day. Ever.

Please feel free to this phrase liberally around your office, but don't mention my fake name or my boss's fake name, because I don't want him to...well, you know--

*As usual, there is FUN linked to today's title.*